Friday, August 28, 2020

Several Styles of 'Speak With Magic'

There are a lot of niche spells (Detect Magic, Read Magic, Write Magic, Identify) that make up 'magic literacy' and are often ignored or consigned to the cantrip bin or reimagined as class abilities. I rolled them up into a single spell, given by default to all casters. It's been a big hit and dare I say a defining feature of magic in my games, and seeing as how I have to do a lot of typing to attune it to the DCC wizard in my new campaign, I figured it could make for a blog post.

For a level 1 spell, it is extremely broadly applicable and useful to magical problems, but it naturally falls flat at solving non-magical problems. My experience has been that characters prepare it when they are unsure of what they will encounter, but preferably if they have a backup spell like Magic Missile or similar. Wizards will also prepare it in the hopes of catching new spells when they DO know of interesting magical effects to speak to, or if they are just very optimistic and confident that the party can handle themselves. It has aspects of Dispel Magic, the idea of 'counterspelling,' can double as a 'detect invisible/hidden beings' in a pinch, and is a general 'turn a magic problem into a roleplay problem' utility option that I think makes interacting with the arcane more of a roleplaying opportunity and less of a 'quibble over the semantics of the rulebook' time waste.

Speak With Magic- This "spell" is common to all magic users, divine and arcane alike, and is essentially projecting ones soul half out of the body and into the dreamrealm, allowing one to see and communicate with spellwisps, demons, gods, and all manner of supernatural beings that otherwise are not-quite present in the waking world. People unskilled in magic can sometimes pull it off with Blue Lotus, psychedelic mushrooms, and even vivid dreams, but wizards and such are trained to enter this state reliably and voluntarily. It is how wizards gather their spells and how clerics pray to the divine, and thus it is a technique that all users of supernatural forces must know, and have no need of a spellbook (or similar) to memorize.

It allows one to see enchantments and magical effects and to speak with them. Most arcane spellwisps are alien beings that only think in terms of what they do- ie, a burning hands spellwisp might wish to burn things, and remembers only things it has burned. Satisfying a spellwisps requirements (typically via offering appropriate subject matter to be subjected to the spell of value equal to 500 coins per spell level) will usually allow a spellcaster to add an arcane spellwisp to their collection of learned spells. Allowing the spellwisp to affect the caster and/or party members is often a good enough deal as well, especially for damaging and debilitating spells. This sort of negotiation can even get wizards to be able to utilize spells without the usual memorization and level requirements, like convincing a wall of ice to move into the shade, or convincing a spent Fireball spell to activate again at the chance to ignite a bunch of lamp oil-soaked wooden puppets. An additional round of convincing per spell level is decent shorthand for how long such negotiations take, but all is at the GM's discretion (a reaction roll for the spellwisps may be appropriate as well).

When it comes to items, wisps can be very forthcoming and ready to explain their operation, cryptic or riddling and prone to telling stories of past deeds rather than present details, or recalcitrant and reluctant to reveal their secrets to those they do not deem worthy. For instance, a magic sword probably wishes to show off in battle, not play twenty questions with a twig-armed wizard, and cursed objects often lie or ignore attempts to discern their functioning. Potions tend to be barely sentient conglomerates of fractional souls and are better off examined physically with licking and feeding to rats, and rings and other 'passive' effects are notoriously subtle and secretive. Items with 'charges' tend to be the easiest to identify, because the stored wisps want to be used and released (and the main gameplay action is not identifying them, but resource management anyway).

Language barriers can stymie attempts to understand spellwisps- the wisps of an elf may indeed speak only elvish, for instance(quick note: in my game, elvish spells are almost invariably fairies), or they may be too alien to even speak any humanish tongue, instead requiring interpretation of behavior, miming, and all manner of experimentation. This is why it does not double as a 'speak with anything' spell- A basilisk, for instance, has a magical effect, sure, but the magical effect is their own body and soul, and when you speak with it with this spell, it is still a basilisk and not say, the ghost of a medusa (a possible spellwisp for 'Flesh to Stone.')

The spell is not without risk. A good analogy is poking your head into a pool to speak with a shark- it probably won't bite your head off, and you can probably pull your head back in time, but you are still poking your soul into an environment you are not native to, and dealing with beings you do not 100% understand.

Vancian Style-Level One  Range (60') Duration (1 turn/level).
For divine or demonic miracles, the operator of spells from levels 1-3 is usually some manner of cherub, imp, or otherwise small servitor being, with levels 4-5 being run by more powerful angels, devils, etc, and 6+ opening a direct channel of communication to deities and other god-like entities.

GLOG Style- Duration [[Sum]] Rounds, up to [dice] different targets may be more specifically spoken with/identified simultaneously, with further targets merely being noted as bearing a wisp or not.
Spells convinced to act for or against the caster activate with 1 less die than was used in the Speak With Magic spell, and reaction roll for the spell is generally [[sum]]
This spell should probably not have normal mishaps, as it is not a part of typical wizardry and is merely your own soul getting chatty. Using the DCC Misfires is my recommendation if the extra book-keeping seems worthwhile

Style- Replaces Read Magic & Detect Magic, and all mages know it. It may be used to Counterspell (as per the counterspell spell duel rules) any spell, but only if they are able to convince the spellwisp very quickly.
Level 1 Duration- Varies. Range- 30' feet or more Casting Time 1 Round. Save: Will vs DC Spell Check (Sometimes)
1- Caster's Eyes glow and reflect the realm of spellwisps
2- Caster's spirit emerges halfway from their body
3- Caster's eyes close, a third eye opens on their forehead
4-Caster speaks in the voices of the spirits
1-Caster inadvertently annoys spellwisp to the point of immediate hostility
2-Caster can only speak to spirits and spells for 1d6 hours
3-Caster blinded to real world for 1d3 hours, able to only see the dreamrealms
4-Caster accidentally activates nearby magic item or effect
5-Caster takes 1d3 damage to Int, Wis, and Cha as they lose touch with the waking world
6-Caster manifests spellwisp into waking world for 1d3 rounds (such beings, when not demons, tend to be strange aberrations with HD=Spell Level x2)
1-2-Caster gains minor cosmetic mutation based on a detected spellwisp
3- Spellwisp Breeding- Caster rerolls Mercurial Magic results for a spell/Spell Mutation
4-Caster grows third, blind eye on forehead. It does have vision in the dreamrealms though.
5-Caster can see spellwisps out of the corner of their eye-only with enough detail to be annoying
6-Caster possessed by spellwisp, which can attempt to cause the caster to take actions pleasing to it
1- Lost, Failure, and worse! Roll 1d6 modified by luck- 1 or less, Corruption, 2+, Misfire
2-11- Lost, Failure.
12-13- The caster glimpses the eldritch realm for but a moment, and becomes aware of magical effects within range. It lacks differentiation- ie, a warrior with a magic sword would ping as 'having more than one spirit' with no further detail, as would someone who was possessed. Entities wishing to conceal themselves may save vs spell to lurk in blindspots and evade detection (which is easier than it sounds, as the very air and earth have souls as well so the wizard vision can easily be distracted or mistaken against the chaotic backdrop)

A single question or sentence can be asked and answered of a located spellwisp, assuming it is cooperative. This is probably not enough to get immediate aid unless the caster is already very favorable to the spellwisp's motives and nothing extraordinary is asked.

A yard/meter of wood or earth, an inch of metal, or a foot of stone is sufficient to block this spell from noticing things. Lead is especially effective and even wafer-thin plating may provide concealment.
14-17- As above, but no save to hide is allowed as the vision is clearer, and the effect lasts for one turn, enough to have a conversation and greater understanding with spellwisps that are not secretive or hostile to the mage. This level is required to have a chance of learning a spell for oneself, though of course the spellwisp must be appeased and the wizard must make their check to learn the spell as normal.
18-19 As above, but the vision is very clear- the caster may identify how many magical effects (such as a magic ring and sword wielded by an enemy, or remaining spells of a wizard) are present and, roughly speaking, how strong or weak they are. This level and higher is sufficient to decipher magic runes and symbols (such as dwarf-runes or the Symbols of power that are the transcriptions of Power Words) The effect lasts for 2 turns.
20-23- As above, but the vision will have great specificity with regards to planar coterminality- ghosts, demons, etc may be differentiated from spellwisps, and it can be easily ascertained if personal magics are due to innate powers (such as the semi-invulnerable scions of Oza) or external enchantments (a prince turned to a toad, or a quaffed potion). Furthermore, the duration is 3 turns.
24-27- As above, but the nature of the magics is revealed, even if the magics are not cooperative, due to great experience or lucky insight. A warded door can be revealed as being guarded by an 8d6 strength Fireball in the form of a dragon-ghost, a cursed sword's maliciousness can be revealed, and so on, providing enough information to utilize magic items and understand spell-motivations that are not truly extraordinary in their power or vagueness. If the caster wishes, they may show the miraculous sights to another and let them converse with the spirit realm as well.
28-29- As above, but with a greatly extended range of '120,' and all nearby allies may enjoy the benefits of the spell.
30-31- As above, but with duration of one day.
32+ As above, but with duration of one month. Generally only the most insane of sorcerers (or bored of elves) would wish to reach this level of effect.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Elves, Ettins, Floating Eyes, Eyes of the Deep

AD&D Elves
It's largely understood that D&D elves are a rip off of Tolkein elves, but I think they were well along becoming their own thing even in the earlier editions of D&D that were straight up calling halfling 'hobbits.'

Anyway, they have the typical hominid thing of appearing in numbers of 20-200, and they have 1+1 HD by default, a hobgoblin equivalent. Multiclassing is explicitly their thing, and not just magic-user fighters- Cleric-Fighter is the explicitly mentioned combo. Once you get to 100+ elves or a lair, a bunch of high level multiclassed elves show up, in the form of fighter/MUs mainly but also a fair few fighter/MU/Clerics. Female elves are mentioned as 'appearing in equivalent numbers to the others' and there being 1 young per 20 elves, because it wouldn't be a real gygaxian entry on humanoids without casual sexism and a reminder to kill all the children.

Elves are woodland dwellers with a 65% chance to have 2d6 giant eagles guarding their 'lair' which is probably just token tolkeinism. Gear for the warrior elves is 10% with sword and bow, 20% with sword and spear, 20% with sword, 5% with 2-handed sword, 30% with spear, and 15% with bow only, with most in chain-adjacent armors and shields. This may be extra relevant because all the 'levelled' elves have a 10% per level per class of having a usuable magical items for the class and MUs of above level 4 have 1d4+1 magic items instead of just one.
1/20 elf bands will have 5d6 female fighters (called elfmaids) mounted on unicorns so I guess spoke too soon earlier, sexism in D&D is dead and Gygax killed it on page 39 of the AD&D MM. Just like he killed all the demihuman younglings

As some minor mechanical notes, elves have +1 to hit with swords and bows, a 4-in-6 chance to surprise in woodland settings (and being invisible in such setting so long as they don't attack), and a 90% chance to resist sleep and charm. They can also move, fire their bows, and move back all in the same round, making them basically unbeatable with hit-and-run guerrilla warfare against conventional foes.

In addition to their scads of magic items, they have a decent treasure type of G, S, and T in lair, which is basically dragon hoard-lite with extra scrolls and potions, and elves carry the only worthwhile individual treasure type N, which is1-6 platinum pieces each. In short, elves are stuffed to the gills with magic loot and it's no surprise people oft use elves as stand-ins for old-money capitalists.

Bonus Subtype Round
Aquatic Elves are friends with dolphins and enemies to sahuagin and sharks and 'attack either if the elves outnumber them.' This is poorly thought out because while 'they(elves) do not use magic and cannot forge underwater,' the Sahuagin have 2+2HD by default, superior senses and intellect, 3-5 unarmed attacks, natural armored hides, and clerics, so I see no possible way they would survive if their strategy was to attack with such a feeble advantage as 'numbers.'
They also have blue or green hair and greeny silver skin, which should be useful when describing Sahuagin furniture.

Drow only got their own proper entry in the Fiend Folio, and here are just blathered on about being mysterious and wicked, with I assume all the spidery matriarch stuff showing up in later publications. As a brief note on that later entry, suffice it to say they have altogether too many abilities for my liking, having a bunch of magic items (which decay in sunlight to prevent ridiculous power creep) magic resistance, stealth, a bunch of magic abilities based on either gender and/or level AND class levels and abilities to keep track of on top of all that does not appeal greatly to me.

Grey elves, noted as 'faerie' in parentheses, are 'noble' 'rare' 'powerful' but apart from bigger brains and some giffons/hippogriffs, are not actually the fey beings seen in, say, A Midsummer Night's Dream. They're just double-elves with the oddly specicified sub-subtypes of silver hair and amber eyes (grey elf) or golden hair and violet eyes (Faerie).

Half-Elves (Or Helves if u ask me) are noted mainly in terms of how player characters play them.

Wood Elves are the dumb hunks of the elves, having extra strength but less intelligence and hang out with giant owls and lynx and have assorted pointless changes to weapon percentages and appearance.

While the Drow became wildly popular, there are some other sad elf subtypes in the later books I'll go over briefly-

Grugach- This pointless entry describes slightly buffer even more xenophobic Wood Elves who are also druids and trap-setters who make up 20% of 'wood elves'.

Valley Elf- The peak of pointless elvish palette swaps, these elves are gray elves from a Greyhawk location called the Valley of the Mage. With trivial improvements like AC4 instead of 5 and HD 1+2 instead of 1+1, it is impossible to say how many trees perished to bloat the Monster Manual II with this entirely unnecessary half-page of minutiae.

3.5 Elves
Largely a repeat of prior entries, with a sharp change in focus from the elves as 'band of humanoids to be encountered' to 'this is how your stats change if you play one as a character.' Apart from the drow entry being thankfully condensed and streamlined (though admittedly, also lacking in details), the only thing I find notable here is that Aquatic Elves are further doomed to become chum with a -2 intelligence score.

Ettin- See Giant entry later in this series. AD&D proclaims them to be closely related to Orcs, rather than just being two-headed giants, which is clearly a load of bunk that I shan't entertain a moment longer.

Floating Eye- In nethack, these creatures paralyze you when you smack 'em, and years later I'm still mad that I accidentally hit one while trying to clear out a monster zoo and was eaten by a lynx while paralyzed. In AD&D, they are weird monocular fish that paralyze you if you look at 'em and then you get eaten by predator fish companions. While I am not against 'paralyzing but weak eyeball monster' having them be wholly harmless (rather than, say, disgustingly parasitic) seems a lost opportunity, as does having them be a salt-water monster.

Eye of the Deep- A weird lobster-clawed aquatic beholder without the interesting facing-based magical death rays, instead just having a flashbang central eye and smaller eyes that can cast hold person or hold monster on their own, or an illusion together. I am curious as to whether anyone has ever used this creature instead of simply saying 'underwater beholder,' and what would motivate them to use the lobster knockoff instead of the classic.

Sunset Realm Elves

 I've gone over elves already a little bit here and have sat on this post so long I'll just rush through a quick history of elves in the realms.

Elves show up in the 2nd age around the fall of the Serpent Empire. They team up with animals and fight a horrifying war of fire and plague against the ghuls and dragons, eventually triumphing (this is where elvish immunity to ghul paralysis comes from). They then work with other early hominids(Svarts, Ningen) to create the Alfstar, the 3rd sun, in the intersolar period after Yg-A, the 2nd sun, is trapped at the center of the earth. Thusly situated, they laze around and stop being ash-clad muscle-barbarians and over centuries become jaded aesthete sorcerer-elites ruling over humans. Internal instability rises and the Witch-Queens overthrow the increasingly malevolent Alves, trapping them in the Iron Moon(the broken husk of the Alfstar) and forcing retreats to dream realms as humans gain dominance over the sunlit realms. Elves retreat to stagnant cities of silver and crystal to reincarnate endlessly through eternity, while the corrupted Alves scheme to regain their lost glory in culturally distinct ways depending on if they became the Seasonal Courts in the dreams of trees (Summer/Spring/Autumn) or ice (winter) or within the Iron Moon (Fomorians).

Quibbles over the details include whether the elves came from the outer darkness and are alien visitors, if they are just serpent-designed overengineered apes, or if they just developed alongside humans but 'won' the tech race, essentially being neanderthalesque.

Also in question is if the fall of the Elf Empire was really from civil war and an uprising of the human servant class, experimentation with darkness that retroactively altered those involved across space and time into hyperbolic fey A-holes (fay-holes?) explaining the Elf/Alf split, or if it was really just an embarassing economic collapse caused by an overeliance on fake leprechaun gold.

In any case, elves exist in part because it's expected. They're in the book, after all, not just in the monster section, but right there at the beginning, almost as sacred a cow as STR/DEX/CON/INT/WIS/CHA. Maybe they'll vanish from the realms someday like they never were, but for now, you can have a few elves. As a treat.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Cockstealing Witch

Content Warning- Exactly what you'd expect


Cockstealing witches, as you'd expect, steal dicks. They gain their magical powers via the bad vibes directed at them, and must have stolen(or much more rarely, be gifted) penises to generate magical effects.
Hit Dice-d4
Move Silently, Backstab, and Hide in Shadows as Thief. This variant Backstabbing only affects creatures with testicles.
Everything else as magic-user in your game

Cockstealing witches gain XP for stealing or being gifted penises at the same value of defeating the dick's owner.

Cockstealing witches do not gain MD/spell slots the normal way, and do not cast spells (though they can be learned) until level 2/template B save for the 'Steal Penis' ritual.

Template A- Steal Penis
Template B- Meatstick Magic
Template C- Castration Anxiety
Template D- Wang Wand

It is probably fine to give all abilities at level 1 as well, with the requirement of stealing a penis before gaining their use

Steal Penis- With about 10 minutes of uninterrupted access to a willing or helpless target, a penis may be silently and stealthily taken off somebody (no save). The penis remains alive and functional (though pissing takes place back at the host's ken-doll groin, not from the stolen penises), but has no special protections, which provides a fair amount of leverage over someone who wants it back. Penises take up 1 inventory slot assuming they are kept safe in a gourd or pouch or something. If stacked in larger quantities they tend to get misplaced, mistaken for sausages, stolen by rats, and so on and the witch can't complain if they go missing or if it takes a full ten minutes to peer through a bag o dicks to find the right one in dim dungeon lighting. If the owner retrieves the penis, they may re-attach it by putting it back (unless a certain spell has been cast to keep the penis even more thoroughly hostage, see spells below)

The owner of the penis feels anything done to their penis, and spells the witch casts upon the penis instead target the source of the penis, regardless of usual range limits and so on. Cockstealer witches may steal or gift cocks to each other to trade 'casting privileges' for a particular cock, but this is a ritualized affair that takes a day to re-bind cock permissions, whether it was gifted or stolen.

Inflicting pain on stolen penises will bring the owner to their knees most the time- any wielded penis may be abused as a free action once per round to inflict 1d3 subdual damage and a save vs being stunned for a round for the unfortunate owner, as well as a morale check (once per encounter). In the rare instance of a witch winning grapples against targets with exposed penises, this could be applied as a regular combat maneuver as well.

Meatstick Magic- Each penis held by a Cockstealing Witch grants them some power, and to cast a spell a witch must brandish a penis. If the penis-owner dies, so too does the penis. Penises must come from individuals who are wizards, chiefs/leader types, notorious criminals, knights, terrible monsters, etc (When in doubt just make each dick require the source to have +1 HD compared to the last acquired penis) though there may be uses for carrying extra bundles of otherwise unremarkable penises from farm animals, random monsters, and so on.
DCC Style Casting- Each inventory slot of dicks provides a +1 to casting checks, up to 1 per level. Eating a penis allows a lost spell to be regained, and truly remarkable phalluses (stolen from demons, giants, dragons, and the like) may provide from +1 to +4 to spell checks when used for appropriate spells (such as Growth for a giant). More work than I'm willing to do would be required for the spells here of course.
GLOG Style Casting- Each inventory slot of dicks provides 1 magic die, up to template max. Magic dice recover after a night's sleep, or a penis can be eaten to recover a magic die. Remarkable cocks may provide dice of larger size than d6 (the HD of the source material being the number of faces on a die, as a rough rule)
Vancian Style Casting
(Ala O and AD&D) Each inventory slot penis is equivalent to a wizard level, allowing for preparation of spells according to the spells-per-day chart, up to the witch's level max. Eating a penis allows recovery of a spellslot of powerlevel equal to one-half of the owners HD.
Levelless Casting- Each dick can be used once per day for a spell or ability, essentially being 1 inventory slot of dicks being 1 spell per day.

Castration Anxiety- Those aware of the witch's prominent penis pilfering prowess and fearful for their own dongs take -1 to reaction rolls and to morale. This penalty is increased by and replaces both positive and negative charisma modifiers, making both charismatic and antisocial witches equally but differently terrifying. Eating a penis forces a morale check from those of the same type of being as the devoured dongus who observe the fate that awaits them.

This ability is lost if a Cockstealing Witch turns to consensual cock use only to avoid their doom, or never steals dicks to begin with.

Wang Wand- A cockstealing witch may cast the spells or use the abilities of a cock's owner by using a penis as a wand, though the witch still uses their own magic dice to fuel these spells. Passive, mundane abilities like a warriors to-hit, squirrels balance, horses speed, etc are stolen for 1 hour per power level invested, while passive supernatural abilities (levitation, invisibility, etc) last 1 turn per power level, and active abilities (dragon breath, basilisk gazes, wizard spells) activate only once and require 1 power level investment of effect per HD (or in the case of stolen spells, 1power level=1 power level), with 5 power levels sufficing for most most abilities even if HD exceeds 10. The owner loses their powers when the witch loses them, recovering them a day later.


1 power level=1 Vancian Spell Level=1 Glog magic die=+2 DCC spellcheck difficulty=2HD of monster.

  1. Phallus In Chains- A penis may be mounted to another being or to the wall, floor, end of a 10 foot pole, etc. This prevents easy retrieval by the owner, and the witch may use mounted phalluses as wands via Wang Wand even without holding them, though no special sensory perception through them is given (though another spell allows scrying on them for better aiming/timing). Though the penises may be destroyed as usual, they cannot be removed without the witch's permission or a remove curse/dispel magic spell
  2. Pubic Yank- By gripping the pubic hair or penis, the witch may summon the owner nude to their location for [sum] rounds or until the witch dismisses them, at which point they return from whence they came. No especial control is given save for the obvious leverage the witch has.
  3. Adamant Penis- An erect penis may be transformed into a hard substance (iron, stone, crystal, etc), fired via a crossbow or, depending on size, hurled as dart or javelin or launched as ballista bolt. It deals damage based on size, it will unerringly strike holes/crevasses, and lodge in them firmly, making it useful to jam locks, spike doors, blind visored knights, silence casting wizards, and so on. The penis is transformed to metal/stone/etc for [[sum]] turns, after which it returns to its normal state, and can be used as a sap/club/quarterstaff (based on size) if wielded in melee. As it is a magical effect, it can strike enemies immune to non-magical weapons.
  4. Ritual of Dusty Boners- This forbidden magic ritual, requiring the boner of a powerful undead (such as a mummy or vampire) allows the witch to use the penises of the dead (or the penis-bones, depending on species) as sources of power. It need only be cast once to acquire this power, but it must be cast with 4 magic dice, a spell check result of 30+, or a 4th level spell slot.
  5. Curse of Targeted Impotence/Deviant Attraction/Blessing of Filial Loyalty- One target may be cursed to be impotent, save for towards a single person, group of people, or designated 'type' of person, designated by the witch. This functions as a Charm effect towards the designated target of attraction, and an immunity to love potions and similar charm effects from other sources, whether normal or supernatural in nature. If the designated object of attraction possesses the target's penis (as a talisman, typically), the charm effect does not wear off over time so long as the talisman is kept on ones person.
  6. Harden/Soften- One inanimate object is either hardened akin to an erecting penis, or softened akin to a flaccid one (ropes extending straight out and swords drooping as common uses). Duration is [sum] turns. In the event an object is too large or inappropriate for this to occur, it may grow hard or flexible dildo-like protrusions instead of being affected in entirety.
  7. Eldritch Gloryhole- A smallish portal is opened, through which a mysterious dong of unknown provenance emerges. It belongs to a random monster of [sum] HD and lasts [[sum]] rounds. This is a loaner penis that the witch may use as stolen penises may be used until the duration ends (including summoning the creature via Pubic Yank), and if harm befalls the penis the owner will likely seek vengeance.
  8. Penis Panic- [[sum]] HD of penis-havers may be afflicted by the delusional terror that their penis has been stolen or is shrinking away (save to resist). Those afflicted act irrationally according to this table until they complete the rolled action, or [[sum]] rounds, turns, hours, or days pass, depending on [dice] used. Some targets (such as eunuchs or those free of attachment to their dick) are unaffected. Rival penis witches afflicted additionally believe their collection is lost.
    1. Flee in horror, searching for their missing dick in cupboards, under beds, and so on
    2. Attempt to replace their penis with nearby phallic objects
    3. Blame likely target as responsible, affected form angry mob to attack the scapegoat and turn on new ones until duration ends
    4. Drop held items and pants to hold onto dick with both hands to prevent it from vanishing for the duration.
    5. Attempt to retain manhood by getting a boner (generally results in rushing off to find mates, prostitutes, pornography, at any cost)
    6. Seeking a priest, doctor, or otherwise to cure their apparent disorder
  9. Celeritous Castration-  Allows the stealing of a targeted penis in a single round with all the usual effects of the normally slow and silent Steal Penis ritual, provided they fail a save. If the penis is actually inside the caster at the time of casting, no save is allowed.
  10. Trouser Snake- Transforms a penis into a snake. Stolen penises, being free from their owners, get no save and are free to wriggle around and attack the witch's enemies, whereas attached penises remain attached and will strike those nearby the afflicted randomly. The trouser snake lasts [sum] rounds and has the stats of a spitting cobra, though without any dangerous venom (unless the host creature is venomous)
  11. Clairovoyeurism- Caster may scry upon either a penis they have stolen but is not in their possession (and the immediate area around of course) or upon the owner of a penis that is in their possession. There is a 1 round delay on incoming information for every 100 meters distance the spell must cross. The witch may cast spells through stolen penises at a distance like a remote-operated wand.
  12. Steal  Form- By attaching the penis to themselves (or eating it), the witch may take on the physical appearance of the penis owner (as polymorph self). This transformation does not include supernatural abilities like a basilisk stare, but is a true physical transformation in terms of size, potential flight or waterbreathing, carrying capacity, and so on. The transformation ends when the penis is removed or digested completely, and the Wang Wand ability can be used as though the penis was being wielded in this time.

Mishaps (doubles or natural 1s)

  1. Weakening magics cause all nearby dicks to become flaccid, numb and impotent for the rest of the day. Further spellslots/magic dice may not be gained.
  2. Floppy penis rolls off-aim and throws spell at random target instead.
  3. Mutation (see corruptions) for 1d6 turns, save or permanent at end. If possible, mutation is dick-related.
  4. Random nearby dick of ally or of collection grows to cumbersome size for 1d6 rounds.
  5. All dicks within 100' point  towards caster like accusing fingers, even if invisible or concealed
  6. Dicks grow unruly and seek to rebel against the witch- all held dicks seek to escape like inchworms, escaping pouches scattering in all directions with a move rate of merely 5' per round but the ability to sneak into rat-holes and the like. Though it does take an action to catch one, catching requires no roll, just an action and a free hand.


1- Witch smells musty regardless of how much they wash. Those aware of Cockstealing witches recognize this tell-tale scent as a mark of one, and bloodhounds may always track the witch.
2-Those who have had their penis stolen ambush the witch, either immediately or once it makes more sense. From now on, those who have had their penis stolen will scheme against the witch, appearing on random encounter tables as well and forever seeking to recover their lost penises. The dead may rise to reclaim lost penises if the witch turns to necromancy to avoid the wrath of the living
3- Due to a widespread campaign of fearmongering, calls for vengeance, and wrathful ancestor spirits trying to protect the continuation of their lineage, penis-havers will test morale to attack the witch on sight wherever they go, or take appropriate action like calling for guards, poisoning food, and so on if direct hostility would be foolish. Only by returning all stolen dicks and never stealing a dick again can the doom be averted, though penises freely gifted may still be utilized.

Societies of cockstealing witches
1- Semi-popular regional cult consists of devoted hedgewitches who keep their spouses penis safe while they are separated, and provide remote assistance in crisis (the penis haver may communicate via flexing the penis in morse code)
2- Warlike society where witches steal their children's penises at birth, and only return them once their child has 'proven' themselves in a rite of adulthood. Defeated foes invariably have their penises stolen as well, and penis-raiding may be one rite of adulthood.
3- Local witch who passes this magic down to worthy successors, acting as the vigilante avatar of sexual karma for the town.
4- Prostitutes' guild using this magic to ensure clients are polite and prompt payments. Also frequently hired out as wizards to the thieves guild for zany heists.
5- Traditional, respectable, court-approved wizard circle which just so happens to have a cock-based curriculum and spell lineage. Apprentices split between dignified local seventh sons of seventh sons and giggling foreign exchange students who have entirely the wrong idea about the place.
6- Foocubus operated sperm bank intended to maintain ancient and defunct noble bloodlines of long-crumbled empires across multiple continents, expanded into a long-distance dating/hookup service, and expanded again into a chimera-breeding beast-battler enabler, all to pay operating costs required for dealing with nobles. Delegation of the increasing number of tasks to hastily trained apprentice witches.